I Spent More than 20 Years in Wellness Before I Realized This

What if being harder on yourself isn't actually helping you change?

I've spent more than two decades in the wellness industry, helping women get healthier, stronger and feel better in their bodies. And there's something I wish I had understood much earlier:

We cannot criticize ourselves into becoming the person we want to be.

I know. It sounds so simple. But now that I really understand it, I want to tell EVERY woman I know. Because I see it everywhere, including an international fitness conference I recently attended as a speaker. And to be honest, I've done it too.

I should be further ahead.

I shouldn't look like this.

I used to be able to do that.

Why can't I just get it together?

I need to lose this weight.

I looked so much better when I was younger.

We tell ourselves we're being “accountable.” We think being hard on ourselves will motivate us. But I want you to stop for a second and ask yourself: Is it actually working?

The Conversation We Keep Having

This has been coming up again and again in our mindset community, Empower, lately. Self-judgment. Especially when it comes to our bodies. For many women over 40, our bodies are changing at the exact same time we're becoming increasingly frustrated with them.

Our hormones are changing.

Our sleep may be changing.

Our energy can feel different.

Maintaining muscle becomes increasingly important.

Our bodies may not respond exactly the way they did when we were 25. Yet what do so many of us do? We compare our 40-, 50- or 60-year-old body to the body we had in our 20s. Then we judge ourselves because we don't measure up.

I've realized something: I don't want to spend the next 20 years wishing I looked like I did during the last 20. I want to feel amazing NOW. And I want that for you too.

A Quote That Changed the Way I Think About This

Louise Hay said: “You've been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

When I first really thought about that, it stopped me. Because how many years have we spent believing the opposite? We criticize ourselves after looking in the mirror. We feel guilty after eating something we think we “shouldn't” have eaten. We beat ourselves up for missing workouts. We promise ourselves that Monday will be different. And underneath all of it is often this idea: If I'm hard enough on myself, maybe I'll finally change. But what if there's another way?

You Don't Have to Love Everything About Your Body Tomorrow

Here's where I think we need to be realistic. If you've spent 30 years criticizing your body, I'm not going to tell you to stand in front of your mirror tomorrow morning and announce:

“I LOVE EVERY INCH OF MY BODY!”

Your brain may immediately go: Yeah...no. 😂And that's okay.

This is where we come back to something we talk about all the time at BUFFnation: Small steps. You don't have to go from:

“I hate my body.”

to:

“I love my body.”

That's a huge leap.

Instead, what if you simply found a thought that feels a little better?

Try One Better-Feeling Thought

Let's say you catch yourself thinking: “I hate my stomach.” Instead of forcing yourself to say “I love my stomach,” try:

“My body is changing, and I'm learning how to support it.”

If you're thinking: “I've completely let myself go.”

Try:

“I've been through a busy season. I can start taking care of myself again today.”

Instead of: “I should look like I did in my 20s.”

Try:

“I'm curious about what feeling amazing at this age could look like.”

Instead of: “Why can't I get it together?”

Try:

“What's one thing I can do for myself today?”

Feel the difference? We're not pretending. We're not forcing positivity. We're simply interrupting the habit of automatically going to the most critical thought available.

One better-feeling thought at a time.

Stop Trying to Get Your 25-Year-Old Body Back

I really want women to hear this. You are allowed to want to change your body. You are allowed to want to release weight. You are allowed to want more muscle, more energy, better fitness and clothes that fit differently. Wanting change isn't the problem.

The question is: From what place are you pursuing it?

There's a big difference between:

I need to change because there's something wrong with me.

and:

I want to take care of myself because I matter.

That's the shift.

Your body has carried you through another 20 or 30 years of LIFE. Careers.

Relationships. Children for some of us.

Stress.

Loss.

Adventure.

Travel.

Hormonal changes.

Late nights.

Great memories.

Hard seasons.

Everything.

Maybe the goal isn't to make today's body look exactly like the body that existed before all of that happened. Maybe we need a new goal.

What If Your Best Body Isn't Behind You?

Not necessarily the smallest body you've ever had. Not necessarily the number you weighed at 25. I'm talking about your best body for the life you're living NOW.

Strong.

Energized.

Capable.

Well nourished.

Well rested.

Confident.

A body you move because movement feels good. A body you feed because you want to support it. A body you care for because it's the one taking you into the next chapter of your life. What if THAT became the goal?

Because I don't believe our best years have to be behind us. Actually, I think there's something incredibly powerful about this stage of life. We know more. We've lived more. We're starting to care a whole lot less about what everyone else thinks.

So why would we spend it wishing we were younger?

Approval Doesn't Mean Giving Up

This is important. Being kinder to yourself does NOT mean throwing your goals out the window.

It doesn't mean you stop exercising.

It doesn't mean nutrition no longer matters.

It doesn't mean you can't want to change.

You can want change without making where you are right now wrong. You can want to get stronger while appreciating what your body can do today. You can want to release weight without hating yourself until it happens. You can make a more nutritious choice at your next meal without punishing yourself for what you ate yesterday. You can miss a workout without deciding you've failed.

You can take care of yourself because you value yourself, rather than because you're constantly trying to fix yourself. That is a completely different relationship with wellness.

And after almost two decades in this industry, that's the kind of wellness I want to talk about.

Try This for the Next Seven Days

Here's your challenge. For one week, start noticing the way you speak to yourself. You don't even have to change it at first.

Just notice.

Notice the shoulds.

I should weigh less.

I should exercise more.

I should have more energy.

I shouldn't have eaten that.

I should be further ahead.

Then ask yourself:

Would I speak this way to someone I love?

And if the answer is no, try one better-feeling thought. Not the perfect thought.

Not the most positive thought. Just one that feels a little kinder and a little more supportive.

Then make one small choice from that place.

Take the walk.

Drink the water.

Do the workout.

Add some protein to your breakfast.

Go to bed earlier.

Put on the bathing suit and get in the lake.

Take the picture.

Wear the outfit.

Live your life.

Not because you've finally earned it. Because this is your life right now.

Maybe We Don't Need to Go Back

I think that's the realization I wish I'd had years ago. We're constantly being sold ways to turn back the clock. Get your old body back. Look younger. Be smaller. Fix this. Change that.

But I'm becoming much more interested in a different question: Who am I becoming?

Maybe we don't need to recreate the woman we were at 25. Maybe we get to create an entirely new version of ourselves at 45, 50, 55, 60 and beyond.

Stronger.

Wiser.

Healthier.

More confident.

And much, much kinder to ourselves along the way.

You've spent enough years criticizing yourself. Let's see what happens when you start approving of yourself instead. One better-feeling thought. One supportive choice. One small step at a time. Your best years can still be ahead of you. 💙